sleepless october night

So I guess I should write something because it’s 4 am on Monday morning Sunday night and I cannot sleep, I don’t know what’s keeping me up, but I’m up, so here I am, I guess I will write. Grad school, grad school, grad school, what do I think about grad school, we’ll it’s obviously a lot of reading, I think in fact, at least for my religion class, it’s too much reading, way too much some weeks, my philosophy of mind class is ok, except this week, the conciousness article is 50 pages long, oh well, what else is buggin me, everybody asks me, where’s your office, let’s just meet at your office, but I don’t have an office, I must be one of the only grad students at the school that are actually going there without an office, all because of that damned gre score, it’s frustrating and stupid that one test can do that much to your career, in fact, there are a lot of things about grad school and I’m thinking professional philsophy that I don’t like, just to name a few, publish or perish, like publishing papers or a volume of papers is any sign of how good a philosopher you are, how much did plato publish, was nietzsche known ot have published a lot of papers before he died, I think it’s kinda bullshit that you have to follow the intellectual trends, even if it’s not what your interested in, just to get your foot in the door, like chris said, you have to play the game, I don’t know how long I’m gonna want to play the game for, and also, for some reason, I don’t think my philosophy professors like me, I don’t know why, I just don’t think that they do, I just get that vibe from them, trevor obviously doesn’t like me anymore, on the one hand I can’t blame him, on the other hand, I can blame him, oh well, he’s probably bad for me anyways, so I guess it’s a good thing, my roommate is a slob and doesn’t pick up after himself and my other roommate is all philsophy all the time, which on some level is a good thing but on a lot of level’s is a bad thing, he’s cool though, I think him and I get along better than either of us do with our other roommate, so I don’t know how I feel about that, marie and I are doing well, I was finally able to see the universal that was manifesting into all these problems in our relationshipo, the taking and the giving, ifshe would’ve put it like that, I think a lot of our problems could’;ve been avoided, oh well, I do feel a little bit of reenergized now, plus my whole experiement while we were broken up didn’t manifest as anything, I never got the balls to ask elizabeth for a cup of coffee or something, but I think if she was interested, she would’ve expressed it a little more than she did, I’m sure she has a boyfriend anyways, so oh well, I’m happy her and it seems marie is given me a little bit more leeway when it comes to certain things, so I guess I’m happy about that, so let’s see, grad school, publish or perish sucks, my religion teacher thinks that us constructive religionists shouldn’t be a part of the religon department, we are the data, not the analyzer of the data like he is, obvioulsyu there needs to be a split or breaking off of the discipline, so he won’t have to put up with so many theologians at his conferences, I understand what he’s saying, but I do think he’s biased, but he’d probably admit that he was, so that’s another issue, the roommate friend thing is another issue, nobody in the department seems to like football, am I the only one, I don’t know, some of the people like comic books, in fact a lot more people like comice book s that I woul’ve thought, so that’s always a good thing, what are some other impressions, I don’t know, I feel like having a smoke, but I normally don’t have a smoke until im’ done writing, so think jason, what else is gong on, I’m not a big fan of analytic philosohpy, tedla called them logic choppers, I can’;t wait to read your critique, I know it will be good, I also found out that my nietzxhe thesis isn’t going to be as radical as I thought, I think I’m gonna take it futher than other’s have taken it, but I can see that some peole have headed into that genral direction, I don’t know, the whole air of professional philsophy, I think there’s something about it I don’t’ like, I don’t know what it is and I can’t put my finger on it, maybe it just seems all too intellectual, that’s probably why I would like quintin smith’s stuff better, I definitely like the way cheryl writes, she writes the way I do, and she seems to write every coupdle of days, like I was in undergrad soon after ‘the night’ happened, those were the days, what else about grad school, I don’t’ know how I feel about the competition, damn capitalism breeds it wehre it shouldn’t be, I can see it’s effect even in academia, we want to write him off here in the weswt because of who we are and beause we won the cold war, but the man was, in some sense, a prophet, he saw what it would lead to and it’s leadin gto it right now, right before our eyes, it obviously took longer than everybody thought, but it’s happening slowly but surely, workers of the world unite is right, I guess I’m happy about my experience with marx and mueller in my rleigion class, chalmers is always cool in phil of mind and I love hearing the physicalist arguments and lately haugeland’s article for the motivations for reductionism, cheryl went off, like I knew she would, when I was talkinhg about it the other weekend, it also seems like our classes are getting smaller and smaller, will I be in it till the end, I guess we’ll see, our logic class got smaller, that is expetable, but our phil of mind class also got smaller, that was totally unexpected, even the stoner still shows up, except he is a lot more quiet now, and that dumb ass lsd comment at the end of class the other day, wow, this is grad school, not undergrad buddy, he’s way too raw, eh would be better if he would apply himself and lay offf the drugs a little bit, but then again, who am I to talk, especially in undergrad like he is, but I would never say that sorta stuff, but does that mean he’s more honest then I am, no, it just means he has even less commen sense then I do, wow, that I didn’t think was possible, so what else, what else, I do get the déjà vu though, thinking, senseing that this is where I’m supposed to be right now with my life, but I’m scared to take that phil of religion class with quinton next fall, I probably will, but I’m more traditional with that stuff, I’m hoping he’ll at least throw some of that in there as well, I guess we’ll find out, but what else, I don’t’ know, no intellectal revoltions tonight, it’s just not coming to me, I’m a used up well, my best years behind me, all it is now is trying to regain what I had tha tyear in my undergrad, all it is now is tring to formulate that stuff into bigger and longer and more coherent stuff, talk about my life being a footnote to the night, I guess that’s why it was the night and this isn’t, I don’t’ know if I’m any more tired now, but I still don’t’ write like I would if I knew nobody was watching, in this day and age, everybody is watching, so the freedom I had in undergrad isn’t there anymoe, I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing, marie said I could type out here and nto shut the door and it would be fine, but I know I’m keeping here up with this, but she said it, so I’m doing it, maybe the point is to just absorb absorb absorb at this point in my life and that’s why nothing really important interesting mind shattering earth breaking paradigm shifting pardox understanding is coming out right now,k I could give you guys a mystic riddle, but I don’t feel like coming up with one, I think my buddy alex is gonna join a monastery, that’s would be cool, he would be a better monk than he would be a priest, totally more contemplative than a priest is, so Im thinking that would be a good decision for him, I wonder if I had anything to do with that, maybe I do, maybe I don’t’, who knows, but if I didn’t love marie and beautiful women in general and am tring the academic route and wasn’t a interfaith heretic, I’d proably be there as well, I wonder what I’ll have to say in the future about the law of excluded middle, that’s the big one isn’t it, the law of no self contradiction, no middle ground, no grey between truth and falisity, no nothingness between being and nonbeing, if that even applies to this, ramblings, ramblings, mindless ravings, that is what this is, homecoming was this weekend, the first one I didn’t go to since I left school, I guess that’s ok because I’m in another school now, a school that held the nations leading rusher to 25 yards on the ground on 18 carries on Saturday, no more heisman for mr wolfe, although if he can hold up, he should be a pretty good nfl rusher, but I guess we’ll see if he can hold up, yeah, I think I’m gonna wrap it up, I’m starting to yawn so I think this mighta paid off, I wanted to do this to get tyired, and now I am so I think it’s mision accomplished, I wonder if this si therepuetic in some way and that’s’ why I do it, I wonder why I wond’t share my blog with any of my fellow compatriats at the philosophy department strawdiddy seems to always want to share his art, why not me, everybody seem sto want to share their art, but why not me, I’m actually freaked out when somebody I don’t’ know reads my blog, I guess because ultimately, it’s for me and me alone, it’s not about them, it’s about me, but if you really know, what I mean, you would realize that when I say it’s about me, I mean it’s about the, you know what I mean jelly bean