So what’s funny about this is that I feel just as bad right now, I think, as that guy did on the movie thx 1138, which I saw last weekend when I was in Decatur, that movie was indescribable, I knew that I had to write about it and I just have been waiting for the right time I guess, well now is the right time, I feel like crap, my stomach and my mind are both churning, so I guess that it’s time to put all of this down on paper, let’s see, where to start, so I went to Decatur and hung out with fava, logan , and walsh, fava was the only person to get back to me about coming down to Decatur, so I decided to stay with him and those guys, I didn’t even know if the other guys where alive or not, but anyways, I saw a kick ass trailer for the new start wars episode three movie, which I cannot wait to go see, but then on Saturday we watched thx 1138, george lucas’s movie he did before star wars, what a mind trip, that jesus voice in that movie was haunting, ‘you are a true believer, blessings for the state, blessings for the masses…by the masses, for the masses…could you be more…specific.’ God that voice still haunts me to this day, and the religious/mythological symbolism is just out of this world, with the ending scene, just him standing there in from of the sun, what does that mean? My research has shown me that the pagan mysticism that the gospels is founded upon worshipped the sun as the visible representation of god, but isn’t that idolatry, the kryon book always seems to refer to Spirit as ‘the sun inside the sun’ what the fuck does that mean? Also, my necklace with the cross and the dreamcatcher fell off of my neck that weekend, why was that I think that is has to do with the movie, but I cannot seem to put my finger on it, obviously that movie was displaying an idol of god in the jesus pictures with that haunting, haunting voice, but did my necklace breaking symbolize that I’m an idolater, that my religion is a false religion, or did id symbolize that modern day Christianity is a false religion, which is what my necklace stood for? I’ve been wanting to buy an ankh symbol for my necklace before that, but have seemed to be blocked from doing so, what is that all about, it seems like I have more questions than answers tonight, and then on Tuesday, my first day back at work after my Decatur vacation, I get laid off, what the hell is that all about, this perfect little job that I have at marygrove college as admin assistant for the education department, and I get laid off after this, of all weekends? I’m still looking for answers, then I open the quran and the bible last night looking for some wisdom and guidance before I go to bed and I am drawn to two passages on idolatry in both books, which is a huge link between the three monotheistic religions, maybe the hugest link which makes them all monotheistic, I don’t know, what does all this mean? Then on top of that, I’m reading the jesus puzzle website, which is like the jesus mysteries in that it says jesus didn’t actually exist and the gospels are just jewish/pagan synthesis of the old testament and idea of the messiah and the pagan dying and resurrecting incarnate god – man, which is where I found out about the whole sun /god thing in the first place, I seem to be drawn to this position but I don’t know why, and then I am also reading
son of man by
andrew harvey,
the mystical path to christ, which in my mind, basically condemns modern day Christianity as idolatrous and shows what real Christianity was and should be, but does the existence of an historical jesus matter in this vision, no it doesn’t, maybe jesus was a goal of what humanity would eventually come to, so I guess it doesn’t matter if he really existed or not, it’s not the messenger, it’s the message, and whether jesus really existed or not has nothing to do with the force or the power or the subversive nature of harvey’s version of Christianity, which fells to me like the most authentic and radical and real Christianity that there is, but then if this is correct, all religions on this planet are false religions, even Christianity, all the eastern religions, and all of abrahamic monotheism’s, Judaism, Christianity, and Islam are all idols, if this harvey’s book and his vision of Christianity is true, which I truly believe it is, no other version of Christianity is radical enough, is correct enough it seems to me than this version of Christianity, so then with this knowledge, what should I do, should I go around the USA and be a preacher, like paul atreides in children of dune, ‘the religion of muadeeb is not the religion of muadeeb,’ that guy is fuckign awesome, coming back to destroy a religion that he himself created, fascinating, it would be like jesus coming back to destroy Christianity, which is maybe what needs to be done, then if that is the case, with my knowledge, would I be the one to do it, andrew harvey seems to have a better grasp of this knowledge than me, why doesn’t he practice what he teachers, sell his possessions, grab his sage/walking stick and start being the man he most assuredly understands jesus to be an who he wants us to be, ultimately, to be a catalyst for the ‘birthing’ to use one of his own words, of heaven on earth, the new Jerusalem, why do I even care about any of this crap or feel drawn to it or believe that I have some part to play in it, why do I have this desire to pick up my own sage/walking stick and to go around the world and do what jesus supposedly did (with or without the stick, I think I will have a stick, to conform to the stereotype, if I even get up the balls to do anything like that) but the only reason that I don’t, well, multiple reasons, the first of which is that I’m scared, I’m a fuckign coward, I have all these worries that hold me back, the chief of which is losing everything that I’ve gained in this life up to this point, but I could do without the cd’s, the books, all of this shit, what I cannot do without is my friends, family, and most of all my beloved, she doesn’t know nor do I think that she will ever have any idea of the extent of my love for her, sometimes I forget, but when I really get down and think about it, I love her SSSOOO much, how am I supposed to give that up, the break her heart and mine for some silly little fantasy that I have in my head because I did too many drugs in college and I’ve read too many philosophy and religion books? And then I get the sayings of jesus email ‘Be not afraid, just believe’ easy for him to say, look what happened to him, and if anybody, truly, tries to go the same course, that is exactly what will happen to them as well, you cannot go out, break down walls between people and threaten the power structure without being killed for it, both by those people who are at the top of the power structure and by those people who are on the bottom as well, even the bottom feeders do things to keep the system in place, we all do things to keep this system in place, if you own anything, you keep the system in place, if you vote and take part in our wonderful fucking democracy, you keep this system of oppression of love and reality and truth in place, even if I did do something like this, humanity isn’t ready for it, nor where they 2,000 years ago, were not that much farther along today then we were back then, so called Christians won’t take this system down, many of them profit by keeping the system in place, by separating themselves from other people of other faiths by the very label they attach to themselves, well I’m a this and you’re a that, your both wrong, an argument can be made that labelization of any sort is idolatry, putting a limit an what is limitless, truly, IT is above all that they attribute to it, even calling themselves believers or disciples of it, is a limiting of the infinite, which is something I need to think more about an write more about, but which is valid, I know, nonetheless, the Tao that can be named is not the eternal Tao, but I’m starting to get off subject here, so what is all this shit supposed to mean for me, oh, one more thing, the new age movement, false proponents of this truth because they have just as much vested interest in keeping this system of oppression and separation in place as the next guy, I think I’m gong to write a book and rip the new age apart using their own ideas and methodology, how many of us have given more than what we can afford to help the least of us, has jim wallis done it, has marriam williamson done it, has kryon done it, have I done it, has the pope done it, has andrew harvey done it, none of us have, we are all idolaters, sinning against the infinite because of our fear, we are all fucking cowards, the whole human race, it doesn’t matter if you carry a gun or a bible or a book or whatever the hell you carry, nobody is brave enough to be the person , the SOUL they are supposed to be, most of all myself, can you tell I’m a little bit angry, I think that I’m going to have a cigarette and think about what I’m going to write next and most of all, what all of this shit about thx 1138 and idolatry and the son of man means for me, what am I supposed to do with all this knowledge? Unless I give all of this up and become the preacher from children of dune, am I just perpetuating the evil, the hell which we live in? If you are not with me, you are against me, oh how many of us have been against him? My fear keeps me against him right now! Time for that cigarette…so still now answers, but I saw two pictures on the regrdigearater of the two missionary people that Marie supports, maybe I should od something like that, but know I understand the great commission it’s not about spreading the gospel although the gospel is a good avenue, it’s about turning people into christ, into the Soul that they are anyways I think that’s it for tonight, I’m finally tired and ready to go to bed, see you soon, ------- the wannabe
